Girl Heaven: kama sutra

Kama Sutra, Sex Position 6: Stand and Deliver

Best for couples of similar height, it’s unlikely Crouch and Clancy dedicate too much sexy time to this one. But if you can handle the angles, you’ll be rewarded with the kind of screams usually reserved for the Liverpudlian faithful as Crouchy slots one in the back of the net.

As intimate and personal as sex gets, your girl literally stands while you deliver with the added bonus of plenty of snogging, staring into each others’ eyes and the opportunity to get to grips with her bum and its infinite delights. The natural pressure this position exerts on her clitoris should also have her climaxing in record time, ensuring you are indeed the man.

Kama Sutra, Sex Position 5: Raised Missionary

The prime position for holding eye-to-eye contact, it may not sound like much initially but according to most women the eyes are the windows to the soul, or something. Maintain that eye contact with meaning while sending it deep and in her emotionally adrenalised state who knows what other filth she’ll suddenly let you indulge in.

With back arched and all her weight on her heels and shoulders, you’re in perfect position to take total control and dominate her. It also leaves your hands to feel, fondle and fornicate the majesty of her breasts in complete freedom. Excellent.

Kama Sutra, Sex Position 4: Deep Dish

Nothing to do with the American doyens of dance who go by the same name this position will have you doing most of the work, but unlike your nine to five grind, it’s well worth the rewards.

With the missus on her back, legs akimbo and her ankles firmly in your grasp, the view is nothing short of spectacular. And with gravity on your side you’re in total control to vary speed, rhythm, penetration and thus the quality of your performance and both your orgasms.

Tease her for hours and make her come like crazy or sort yourself out sharpish and make sure you’re done in time for Match of the Day. Either way, you’re onto a winner.

Kama Sutra, Sex Position 3: Lazy Doggie

As simple as no strings shagging can get, the Lazy Doggie is the perfect morning after the night before activity. She lies down, you lie on top of her and the magic happens.

All women love this position, as it’s apparently sensuous and slow and makes your man meat feel like an elephant’s leg with a pumpkin atop. It also leaves room for a little improv with your moves – the standard bump and grind is fine, but try some figure of eight hip action for guaranteed ultra-deep penetration and the kind of orgasm usually reserved for Christmases and birthdays.

Kama Sutra, Sex Position 2: Reverse Spoon

While it may look trickier than tying a knot with no thumbs, The Reverse Spoon is actually a one-way ticket to simple sex made sordid and stupendous.

Lying head to toe and side by side offers immediate benefits in the staring at and fondling her nethers department – a bonus for you both, and don’t let her forget it – while simultaneously showing off your experimental credentials.

The kind of position you can only dream of ending up in after a booze-fuelled game of Twister. Just remember to wash your feet first, unless you’re a ‘socks on’ kind of guy, that is.